Late night thoughts

There are just days where you decide to give yourself a short break and sleep early but you end up staring at the ceiling for hours and hours, not able to sleep and then think about life in general. These few days have been very stressful, at least for me and probably everyone else that has to crack their brain from morning till night just trying to get things right and for the app to be working. Coming from a science background where mathematics isn’t my strongest subject and having no prior experience to coding, building an app can be very challenging. I know that I am not the only person who does not have experience in coding nor am I the only person stressed out about the showcase. But I guess this is my way of expressing my feelings, letting my stress out and giving myself a tiny short break. Penning down my thoughts.

I know for a fact that this is what I have chosen in the end, changing from pure Management to IT, and that I can blame no one but myself. On good days, I know that I definitely made the right decision of choosing this degree. The exposure I gain and the experience I gain through networking sessions, specially organised for my degree, doing showcases and pitching 6 times to big companies, are things that maybe I could never gain if I decided to go ahead with studying Management 9 months ago. The thought of changing to IT came into mind when I visited UoM during their open day when I was still in college but I never seriously considered until the very last minute, just before my finals started.

The support I gain from my family and friends are definitely what keeps me going at this point of time. Even though the showcase is in 5 days, nothing seems to be going right nor left. What I expected to do in the beginning didn’t really work out well. Not that it is completely impossible to do but I guess not putting a 101% of effort into it is what makes it completely impossible for me. Things are gonna get tough along the way but I just have to tell myself that it’s part of growing up and part of maturing. The funny thing is, it’s not that I have nothing to present on the showcase itself nor am I completely not prepared. It’s just that the expectations I have for myself is far beyond what I actually am capable of doing.

It’s definitely nerve-wracking having to figure out why there is an error with the app itself at 3am in the morning and you just sit there wondering and wondering. And by the time you notice the time, it’s already 5am in the morning. Sometimes, I don’t know if setting a standard/goal for myself is a good or a bad thing. Occasionally, it acts as a motivation for myself in order to stop procrastinating and actually start concentrating on work. But sometimes, it’s like cancer. It’s bad because I keep thinking and thinking, putting more pressure on myself to do well.

When I started university, I started off with sort of a happy-go-lucky mindset. I told myself that as long as I am able to graduate from university, regardless of whether it’s first class, 2:1, 2:2, it’s fine. Because this isn’t the industry that I want to be in in the future. This isn’t what I want and this definitely isn’t what I want to pursue in. However, as time passed, this mindset started to change. From looking at people around me to speaking to so many people, I start to realise that it really isn’t always all about me, myself and I. If given an opportunity to study abroad like this, shouldn’t I be working my ass off and aim for a first instead of wasting my time when so many people out there are dying to study abroad? Spending thousands and thousands of money, shouldn’t I be making my parents proud? And the be very honest, this is actually a huge reason why I pressure myself so much so that sometimes, it starts to feel as though as I am suffocating myself.

There are days where I ask myself, what if 1.5 years ago I managed to convince my parents to let me pursue culinary arts? What if 9 months ago, I chose to stay in pure Management? What if 9 months ago, I fought my way to university in another city? What if until this point, I am still happy-go-lucky? There are so many what-ifs but there’s no answer. If I really pursued culinary arts, would I be very happy? Would I regret not going to a university? There are so many uncertainties but I believe that since I’ve made my choice and have already started my journey down this path, it’ll all be worth it at the end. What has been done is done and what has been decided is decided. There is no turning back and I can only move forward.

5 days till the two biggest events for the second semester and also the last few weeks of first year, happening on the same day. I don’t know what to feel, I don’t know if I’m prepared for any of this, I don’t know if I am able to do it well or not. I don’t know if sending that email 2 minutes before the deadline was a great decision or not. Even if I successfully get it, will I be able to execute what is expected of me well? There was a short conversation between the few of us today and it made me very sceptical. Even more sceptical than sending that email 2 minutes before the deadline. If I successfully get it, does that mean that Mumubakes will have to wait even longer? To be honest, if you think long and hard about it, baking is something that can be done at anytime I want. Be it when I graduate or 10 years down the road, I can still do it. But opportunities like this only come in university. It’s really a now or never thing. Which was part of the reason why I clicked ‘Send’.

Regardless of what the outcome on the day is, I know for a fact that I made an effort, I took the first step and I tried. I have nothing to lose. Regardless of how my showcase turn out to be on the day, I know that I have tried my best and I did all that I could. For the time being, I’ll just have to continue trying and trying because that’s the only thing I can do now. I constantly try to remind myself that everything will be worth it in the end and that I am doing this for my future, for my own good. As much as I hate ITP, coding and the showcase, I have a tiny feeling that I’ll miss it at some point in my life. A year long project that is coming to a close, very happy yet a tiny bit sad because it took up so much of my time and that I’ll feel a teeny weeny tiny bit empty after everything ends. (And when second year comes, I’ll probably hate it again fml).

5 days left. Until then, goodbye.

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2 Comments

  • Ksenia

    Dear Ashley,
    as to degree, just get it done. Whenever you need your diploma, it will be always there for you. For instance, if you decide to be a teacher one day, let’s say at your 40’s, your BSc is there for you, ‘done and dusted’.
    I am wishing you all the best,
    K.

    • ashleytyw

      Awww thank you so much Ksenia! I wish you all the best too.

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