It’s been about a week since I last blogged. Nothing very interesting has been going on in my life because everyone’s just busy revising (or probably procrastinating). Last week was one of the darkest weeks in Manchester because of the bombing incident that happened in Manchester Arena right after Ariana Grande’s concert ended. I received a text message saying there has been an explosion and I went online to check it and they were people speculating all sorts of things like the speaker exploded or the balloon popped near right at the microphone. Few minutes later, it was confirmed that there has been fatalities which means a bomb did blow off.
It’s been a scary yet saddening week here in Manchester. With sirens going off every so often when I was in the library and polices holding guns everywhere in city centre. My heart goes out to all those affected by the incident.
I’ve been busy doing some revision for my exam, reading up reports and news for my competition and slowly packing up my room. I’m flying back to Malaysia in a few days time so I’m really excited and I can’t wait to be back home. I felt kind of depressed a few days ago because I felt that time was passing by so slowly, especially when I only have one paper to sit for and it’s on the last day of May. I could’ve went back way earlier but my paper was so late. Some of my friends from other universities have already finished their exams and going on trips, which I really wish I could too. On top of that, I really didn’t feel like studying at all because management accounting is a really boring subject. I guess the downside of having most modules coursework-based is that you have very little exams to study for and especially when your paper is towards the end of the exam period. Sucks to be me.
I was lying in my bed the other day till about 5am because I couldn’t fall asleep and I was thinking to myself, ‘what is it like to be emotionally self-reliant?’. I kind of realised that whenever I have something to say or I’m angry about something, I always have to text or call someone. I sometimes seek encouragement from someone that what I am doing is right and that I should continue doing it (even though 8 out of 10 times I still feel like everything I do is wrong fml). It’s like I cannot deal with my shits myself and always have the need to rely on others. Especially when I’m stressed out or worried about something, I always go to the same person and it makes me wonder whether they feel annoyed or that I am troublesome or I don’t know? I do get bothered easily by the smallest things possible and it sucks. It really does. After reassurance time and time again, sometimes you just have a feeling of doubt towards that ‘reassurance’. Then again, who am I or what position am I in to seek reassurance? Nobody is going to be there for you every single time and at the exact time where you need them and nobody is going to be there for you in the way that you want them to.
Anyway, I already spent my entire day NOT studying because I went to Hawksmoor for lunch and packed my room for a whole 2.5 hours. My wardrobe is empty right now and so is my room. I’m moving out after 1.5 years and I’ve never lived outside by myself so I don’t really know what to feel about it. I mean I do have friends staying in the same accommodation but I just don’t know what to feel about going back to an empty small room everyday after uni hmm.
Signing off right now to do some revision and hopefully get some sleep because my body clock is so screwed up (eg. sleeping at 5am and getting up at 1030am everyday geez).